Ruins of False Hopes

Oh please please God, fast forward my life to March 21st.

what the hell do dreams mean?

seriously. i hate them sometimes.

Last Sunday right after I got home from Palm Springs, I didn’t know how else to spend the rest of my day off. I didn’t want to go to work. I had a book to read. I had two homeworks due. I had extra work waiting, and I had my room to clean. I skipped the book and saved it for my everyday cleansing schedule… ahem, if you know what I mean. I skipped the homework and decided I still have one more week to complete and mail them out. I skipped the extra work and decided to work on it later that night. And there I was standing in the middle of my room surrounded by piles and piles of dirty or clean (I didn’t know anymore) uniforms, black pants, underwears, hangers, socks, and jeans.  I was going to just lie in bed and sleep than face my horror but my bed was filled with receipts I took out from my purse, more clothes (I think they were clean), pillows, and my comforter spread out. Damn, I could not see my bed. Laziness was empowering me too much. I sat in front of my computer and started playing around with my downloaded cliparts. After one hour, I finished a logo that even I was surprised. I finished half of my extra work. Yey. With the new company logo on hand, I finished the business card, the flyer, and the marketing letter. There began my Sunday. After I emailed all these to my boss, I decided to clean my room. I ended up repositioning my bed, filling up 2 hampers of dirty clothes, and realizing how many clothes I got since the clean ones would not all fit in my closet. At 6 pm, I was hungry, sweating like a pig, but fulfilled and… happy? Nah. Instead of cooking rice and heating up the leftover adobong pusit I decided I’d just eat the Tostitos and jalapeño cheddar dip I saw the other day in the pantry. Dammit, they weren’t there anymore… so I went for Maruchan beef noodles in front of Natutulog Ba Ang Diyos reruns. It was a good Sunday.

The nice feeling did not last the whole week. It’s Saturday now and I just feel more tired than ever. The whole week at work was hell. I was 2 employees short everyday, had to stay til 7 or 8, was feeling sick by Thursday, could not call in on Friday because no one could cover my shift. This morning I still had to work and endure the pain of unhappiness I had been ignoring for the past days.

Driving home this afternoon, I had a lot of thinking that made the 30 minutes drive on the I5 feel longer than driving to Palm Springs and back. I could not even remember how I got home. All I could think of was how I kept on thinking about my college days and how I lived my life back then… for some reason, I just could not remember how I spend 4 years there… and then it hit me. For the past days, I have been thinking a lot about my past relationship, my past friends, and the people I got to mingle with but seem to have forgotten about me. I found myself browsing through friendster after a quick gift shopping at Target.

And there he was… all smiling with someone new… someone I don’t know. He’s 400 miles away and yet his smile seems so near. He seemed happy. Good for him. I kept thinking about all the “what ifs” between us. What if we never parted, what if we stayed together, what if he was on this side of California, what if I didn’t let him go? But I did. No regrets and I won’t ever, I think… because that time was not our time… too cheesy and cliché you may say, but I really think we had the right love at the wrong time (credit to Barry Manilow).  I’ve been shrugging the thought of contacting him and saying hi or at least staying friends. I don’t want to be part of his life anymore… I feel I will juts ruin his life by meddling again… by ending up asking him back. I don’t want to do that. I’m never going to beg for love.

See it is love that makes us weak. Because of love, we feel pain, and so we curl up like a baby and sob like a lost child in the middle of a busy market. Because of love, we feel our shoulders shaking, our lips tightening, our tears welling, our eyes swelling. You may say, it is love too that makes us strong. I agree, because the weakness that we feel when we love is room for us to be strong. It is because we feel weak that we persevere to be strong… to shrug the thoughts, to move around our bed, to extract our creative juices and come up with a professionally sculpted company logo. It is this freaking love that’s making me blabber and write endless blogs that I just could not stop typing… because my head won’t stop thinking… thinking about tomorrow, my future, am I going to be alone forever, am I still going to be lawyer someday, am I ever gonna get a better job, am I going to find real happiness.

Last Thursday I read my weekly horoscope and it said something about making time to be with friends, balancing work and play, and love letters coming my way. B.S. Why are horoscopes so accurate sometimes? It freaks me out… well at least the “love letters” part don’t because I know it’s impossible for me and that some other Pisces girl is probably receiving red roses right now.

Until now I still think about him and our past. My college years won’t be complete if it weren’t for him. I survived half of my Ateneo life because of him… and he probably didn’t even think so. He’s probably still mad at me for everything that had happened. He’s probably blaming me for it too. He probably felt miserable that time but I just got mad eventually because he tried too much to show it to my face that I was not that hard to replace… just months after, voila, a new girl in tow… which of course gave me the green light to get a man for myself. But who was I kidding? I was in love with him back then and all I asked was a little understanding… but I guess I was really that hard to understand and my situation was probably that complicated. But then again it’s been what, 5 years? Damn that’s long. His profile says he’s married now. He probably is. That new girl’s really pretty and it’s nice to see his mom, brother, and sister again. I wonder what happened to his dad. Last time I saw them was 3 years ago after our graduation ceremony. Oh dammit, shrug the thoughts Pia, shrug the thoughts….

Back to reality. Reality is, I may have feelings for him still. I don’t know. Or I’m just probably getting too lonely that I end up entertaining the thought of getting back with him… something like, because I haven’t had Coke for almost a year now and I totally miss soda so I’ll just go back and drink soda again. Nah. Soda is bad for your health… and so is he to me. Well, at least that time he was, but now, I think otherwise. We’ve matured and changed, for sure. So yun, yun lang.

Anyway, so why was I writing nga ba this blog? I don’t know. I haven’t written anything since what 2 months ago? Damn, I just realized right now that this is the first time I wrote something about him… this is the first blog I actually wrote about him!!!! Potek, patawarin na sana ako ng Diyos kung ano man yung mga nagawa ko noon para hindi nya na ako kinukunsensya ng ganito. Lord, here is my closure na… please let me move on peacefully?

Maybe this has been my problem all along. I let the past swing me back and forth like a yoyo. I have to cut the strings… so that I could let myself go somewhere else, meet someone else, be someone I’m supposed to be. I have to forget the pain, the hurt, the longing, the wanting… so that I could just be free and be happy with my friends, at work, and with my family. Love is just that – love. It’s a word that no one can really understand, explain, or define. It just is. So if it is the absence of it I feel that makes me sad everyday, I should be angry at myself… because I do have it… I have all the love in the world. Love from a guy to girl, I think, can be the lowest kind, if ranked with love of parents to child and vice versa , love of siblings to each other, and love of God. A romantic love is just second-rate… if ranked with love for a best friend or just simply love from a friend. The absence of romantic love is not something we should be sad about. It should not be something we put on top of ourselves. It should not be the one to make us weak. It should not be a tower of power where we draw strength from. There are a lot of stronger kinds of love… and I think this is something I should tell myself everyday. I don’t really need a guy to be happy. I need a beer or two though. Hahaha… kidding. Anyway, I’m just saying, what I’m going through right now is probably something a lot of you are going through as well… unless I am the only sad person in the world at this moment… which I highly doubt… I dare you say “I’m really really happy right now!” Hahha

So anyway, before this novel… I mean… this blog goes somewhere else, let me end it now so I can start another one. Hahaha

It’s Sunday again tomorrow, I haven’t heard mass for 2 Sundays now. Tomorrow, I hope to hear something that will give me goosebumps… something that will make me forget my pain, my sadness, and my longing for real happiness… and finally have a better week than had past.

I was trying to overhaul my profile and was going to write something on th "About Me" part. Problem is, for some reason, I didn’t know what to write.

Ok, so what do I know about me? To be honest with you, after 24 years of existing in a world as complicated as the question of how it all started, I still don’t know exactly who I am. Friends might say all the good things about me - kind, generous, understanding, patient, always there, the friend who can just be there and listen, that who sticks around when everyone else has left, that one who just can never say no, dependable, the strongest person to lean on, the friend who tries to analyze things and still simply answers your question with "it depends." My parents will probably say something like independent, loves isolation and silence, clean, organized, neat freak, loner, obedient, respectful, God-fearing, family loving, adventurous, never stays put in one place, and lazy at times. The rest of my family (i.e. my brothers and sister) will just simply say masungit, madamot, and maarte. My employees will surely say "nice to nice people, mean to mean people, and irritated to people who play dumb and deliberately ignore instructions and people who doesn’t listen nor pay attention to details of everything she says." Are these things really me? Sometimes I feel like I transform to a different person depending on who’s in front of me. I always depend on the things outside of me. Ask me a question and my answer will depend on how you asked the question, or I will simply answer "it depends on this… or that…" I think I’ve got too many ifs in my life. I’ve got too many things I can think of happening and every instance, I attach meaning to it. Is it wrong to always think of consequences? Is it wrong to be obsessed with meaning? Is it wrong to be all concluding?

Every morning I ask myself this question: "So, what’s it gonna be this time?" Every morning I think of something bazaar to do, something I’ve never done… or something I’ve always wanted to do. But I end up all too disappointed every night before going to sleep, or just as soon as I step out of the house, I’ve already forgotten what I was thinking of doing that day. It sucks to be in a world that I just could not understand sometimes. Why can’t life just be predictable? Why can’t we just have a schedule and stick to it? Why do we have to be scared everyday thinking that we might die or something? Wouldn’t it be fair if we all just have a schedule, or a calendar, a list of things to do before we die on this day at this time? Why do we have to suffer the pain of discovering who we are little by little every day? Try to think about it, we probably still won’t know who we really are even in our death bed.

So what do you want me to say about me? Something like I’m fat, 5′2, long hair, brown eyes, siopao face, huge feet, fair complexioned Filipina girl from a small barrio in Bulacan. Or, I’m 24, graduated in Ateneo with a Bachelor’s Degree in Political Science, got really frustrated after not being able to enroll to Law School, didn’t like the insurance sales job offers in the Philippines, so she flew off to sunny California to mop restaurant lobby, slice tomatoes, and eventually became the next Manager of one of the highest-volume, highest-sales Subway franchise in L.A. County, and is currently getting burned by crazy employees. How about funny but the joke always end up on me, witty but ends up hurting others’ feelings, loves to sing but too shy to even hold a mic, loves to dance but too intimidated and insecure to bust a move, likes to write stories about all the mundane things but too scared to be criticized by real writers, loves to shop and dress up but doesn’t have the luxury of having a fat wallet and slim body. Or simply, a bitter young girl whose heart was broken by idiots and is now too fallen apart and too insecure to give anyone else a chance of sewing it up thinking that in the end, it will still end up fallen apart.

So, what do you want me to say about me?

I wish you were here…
Here with me drinking…
Here with me dancing…
Here with me getting lost and wasted in the night without a care what people say…
Here holding my hand…
Here having our cute pictures taken…
Just here…
Here beside me…
Holding me…
Wanting me…
With me…

8 Questions:

Q1: Does mr. a like me?
A: Outlook Good

Q2: Does he like me?
A: As I See It, Yes

Q3: Does he feel the same way I feel?
A: Without a Doubt

Q4: Are we going to end up together?
A: It is decidedly so.

Q5: Does (name) like me?
A: Yes.

Q6: Is he going to be my boyfriend?
A: Without a doubt.

Q7: Am I Gonna be happy with him?
A: Yes - definitely.

Q8: Are we gonna be boyfriend-girlfriend?
A: It is certain

These were the questions (not in order) I asked Glenda’s 8 ball… I think I’ma start crying right now… What the hell does this mean? Are 8-balls reliable?

April 27th, 2007 12:58 a.m.

You… You never fail to make me smile. I feel alive when you’re around. When you’re near, it’s like nothing else matters. A smile from you takes a whole day’s burden off my shoulders. The sound of your voice just keeps me going. You are the only one person who always try to make fun of himself just to make me smile… to keep me sane… to make me happy…. ain’t that the sweetest? The way you said "healthy" and wrinkled your nose looking straight at me were just sooo cute I badly wanted to pinch your pink cheeks and kiss them afterwards. Your dorkiness make my day worthwhile. I just want to hear your "goodnight" every night before I sleep… and when I don’t… I feel like something is missing and taht something should be done.I dreamt of us last night. I was leaning against you, your arms around my waist, we were surrounded by my old friends and in the background some band was playing Nina’s song "I Do" in some alternative rock way. So what does that mean? Do you care for me too?  Do you miss me when you don’t see me? Are you ever gonna like me too? Are you ever going to admit it?

I need to stop thinking of you.
I need to stop smiling ear to ear when you look at me.
I need to stop singing when you’re around.
I need to stop losing control when your arm brushes with mine.
I need to stop thinking that you could possibly like me too…
I need to stop liking you.
Because you…
you drain life out of me…
you make my heart skip beats…
you make me weak to my knees…
you make my head spin in circles…
you make me do what I don’t usually do…
you are bad for me…
you are a happy pill that drains me after you’re gone…

You need to stop…
Stop looking at me like I am the only person around you…
Stop talking to me like the whole world does not matter…
Stop smiling at me like I am telling you a funny story with my eyes…
Stop touching me as though you wanted to hold me…
Stop calling my name… it makes my heart palpitate…
Stop being the nicest guy in the world…
Stop being the person I talk to…
Stop being the person I depend on…
Stop caring…
Stop worrying about me…
Stop being super gentleman…
Stop…
Don’t pick me up when I’m down on the floor…
Don’t help me in any way…
Don’t save me from sadness…
Don’t… Stop…
Stop being my knight in shining whatever…

I wish I am that girl that you like…
that girl that you will probably ask out…
that girl that you wanted to know more…

I wish…
I wish…

No one is ever going to hurt me anymore. Not them, and especially not you. I won’t let you make me a love sick puppy again. You will not hurt me. I will not let you. I knew, that day when I gave you that second look, that moment when I froze in your eyes, I knew it was a big mistake. It was going to be trouble. It was going to be another headache, another heartbreak. I won’t give you that satisfaction, of ruining my almost happy life. You don’t have to have pity and like me only because you know I like you. I don’t need you to give me all that attention. I don’t need you to make me feel good. You were bad news from the very beginning. You… You hurt me and you don’t even know it. You made me cry and you have no idea. It’s because you’re dense. You never cared for me… nor my feelings. You are a selfish little brat. I hate you so much because I can’t hate you enough…