Ruins of False Hopes

Confessions are never easy. May it be the formal Catholic confession we say to priests or a simple confession of a naughty kid to his mom. It ranges from saying one’s deepest darkest secrets to simply admitting you ate the last piece of the Crunch bar. Confessing is supposed to free us and clear our minds and hearts of guilt. I believe it does. I believe confession frees our soul and spirit to start a new chapter in life. This is true for the conventional confession as we know it. But, what if you confess something to free someone but end up freeing yourself instead? Freedom refreshes and relieves you as a weighless world comes upon you. But what if this freedom leaves you feeling empty, weak, sad? Then it’s a different story. I ask all this so that I could assess what seems to be making my friend feel down after pouring out herself to that one person she secretly loved for I think a year. I dunno how exactly she told him, bottomline is, she poured out her heart and confessed to him how she feels. The guy was flattered as expected and thanked her for feeling that way… but after that… hmmm… nothing?

I guess that made the after-confession feeling a bit more difficult. For one thing, it freed her, right? But I think the freedom she felt is not like that of a caged bird who finally could fly. I think the freedom she felt when he freed him out of her system became a kind of emptiness. She released an overflowing rush of emotions she kept for a year or so perhaps which also sort of kept her going on and on about drooling over guys. The problem I see here is that she felt a sort of unexpected brakes to her life… the feeling of "yeah, I’ve told him I love him… now what?" She found herself freeing the guy but actually freeing herself from the pain of keeping the feeling to herself. But I guess this is not the real problem that would possibly eat her. I think there’s one that could be worse. What is? Here.

She freed herself. That should be a relief. She had told him she loves him. She should be proud of herself for showing such strength. But what would make her feel miserable? I think it’s that which we girls don’t usually admit… that even if we don’t say it, even if we don’t admit it, even if we don’t show it… at the back of our heads is the tiniest bit of hope that maybe this guy will do something about what I just said. Maybe, this guy feels the same way. Maybe, him and me are meant to be after all. This is the killer. It’s like a computer virus, sometimes you don’t know it’s present in your system until it hits you and kills every pixel and bit of you. And that I think is what’s hurting her. She did not get the reply she wanted - a reply any girl in love wants… that he loves her too.

This is the same for men. You guys admit to girls you love them… maybe after a while of being friends or even an admiration from afar. Only difference is, you confess your love to pursue it… girls can’t do that. Not that I’m justifying one side of the perennial debate of guys can do more than girls. It’s just that, here in our country, well, like Sandara said in her movie "how will you know yourself without traditions?" Come on, we have to admit that our behavior is influenced by what we’ve seen from and what is taught to us by elders. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against following traditions but sometimes you just have to break them. That’s exactly what my friend did. She told the guy she loves him. She confessed her love. And just like guys having their own reasons of telling a girl he loves him (as I mentioned, most often, it’s because they want to pursue the girl), my friend has her own reasons. She told us, it’s out of nowhere. It just happened. And I believe her. Sometimes, we girls just want you guys to know how we feel even if we know what to expect. But of course, you cannot deprive us the right to expect even a little hope of getting something back. We are not hypocrites and tell you we totally expect nothing. Of course we do. Oh, don’t tell me you don’t expect girls you court to fall for you too, because that is just plain b.s. Hahahah…

While I wait for a sign of my future, I see my life halted and at the verge of breaking down. I feel useless… alone… empty. I feel the sadness like it’s never going to leave me. Where are you faith? Come fly me back to where I found a life I could call mine. Where are you hope? Come fly me back to where I see myself dreaming and actually fulfilling it. Where are you love? Come fly me back to the time when my heart’s not breaking.

It’s frustrating to see how life in where I am now does not unfold like the life I’ve tasted for a while. I miss the life full of dreams gradually coming true. I long for the life of hard-earned triumphs. That life showed me how you should work hard and actually earn enough from it. That life is anyone’s dream of having. I had it once but I left it without any assurance of getting it back. Where are you faith? Why do you falter when I needed you most? Where are you hope? Why do you fade in my darkest? Where are you love? Why are you weak when you are the only strength I have…