A Painful Crash Into a Sign
Last weekend, I had a brief talk with my cousin about my past that I just could not let go of… her suggestion was to talk to him and tell him how I feel… I hesitated… and told her that I need something… I need to see for myself that it’s the right way to go… I was wishing for a sign…
Last night, I saw the huge sign and I crashed right into it… You might think this is crazy (or cheesy perhaps)… but I found out last night that my cat died already and they waited for the right time to tell me… up until now I don’t know when she died… my sister told my mom about it and I overheard… I choked… sobbed… and the m&m peanuts that I was munching on suddenly tasted awful…
You might think, why the heck was it such a big deal? it’s just a cat… it has nothing to do with my past…
Well, sad to say… first of all Nala, (her name) was a really pretty Persian Cat. Second, she was given to me just a couple days (if I remember right) before I left the Philippines…
So I think my sister is right. She didn’t tell it to my face… she was talking to my mom (I suddenly hated the YM Caller… it brings me sad memories now…) and I just overheard them… My sister said something like this is probably telling her to forget and let go of the past and move on with her life… Well… what can I do but agree?
Last Sunday I prayed hard to God to show me something to tell me which road I should take… and I guess this was the only way He could show me that it was loong over… that I was holding on to nothing… that I ought to walk forward and not backward…
But how does one do that? I mean, how does one shift from being hopelessly in love to moving on and finding someone else? How does one let go of a past that is surely going to haunt her life forever? How does one forget? How does one let go?
I used to have all the analysis that leads to answers… I used to be the person who tells everyone how letting go should start… I used to be the stronger person… I used to be loved… I used to have someone… I used to juts shrug it all off and wait for the day to come…
Now… I don’t even feel like waking up anymore… it’s like I don’t have anything else to look forward to… I thought I had it all planned out… still my life turns out to be a huge mess… confused… hopeless… depressed…
So what am I going to do?
I don’t want any more signs to follow… so that I could just crash into someone or something… to bleed and actually see and feel where it hurts… and realize if I still want to go on… or just give up…
