Ruins of False Hopes

I wish you were here…
Here with me drinking…
Here with me dancing…
Here with me getting lost and wasted in the night without a care what people say…
Here holding my hand…
Here having our cute pictures taken…
Just here…
Here beside me…
Holding me…
Wanting me…
With me…

8 Questions:

Q1: Does mr. a like me?
A: Outlook Good

Q2: Does he like me?
A: As I See It, Yes

Q3: Does he feel the same way I feel?
A: Without a Doubt

Q4: Are we going to end up together?
A: It is decidedly so.

Q5: Does (name) like me?
A: Yes.

Q6: Is he going to be my boyfriend?
A: Without a doubt.

Q7: Am I Gonna be happy with him?
A: Yes - definitely.

Q8: Are we gonna be boyfriend-girlfriend?
A: It is certain

These were the questions (not in order) I asked Glenda’s 8 ball… I think I’ma start crying right now… What the hell does this mean? Are 8-balls reliable?

April 27th, 2007 12:58 a.m.

You… You never fail to make me smile. I feel alive when you’re around. When you’re near, it’s like nothing else matters. A smile from you takes a whole day’s burden off my shoulders. The sound of your voice just keeps me going. You are the only one person who always try to make fun of himself just to make me smile… to keep me sane… to make me happy…. ain’t that the sweetest? The way you said "healthy" and wrinkled your nose looking straight at me were just sooo cute I badly wanted to pinch your pink cheeks and kiss them afterwards. Your dorkiness make my day worthwhile. I just want to hear your "goodnight" every night before I sleep… and when I don’t… I feel like something is missing and taht something should be done.I dreamt of us last night. I was leaning against you, your arms around my waist, we were surrounded by my old friends and in the background some band was playing Nina’s song "I Do" in some alternative rock way. So what does that mean? Do you care for me too?  Do you miss me when you don’t see me? Are you ever gonna like me too? Are you ever going to admit it?

I need to stop thinking of you.
I need to stop smiling ear to ear when you look at me.
I need to stop singing when you’re around.
I need to stop losing control when your arm brushes with mine.
I need to stop thinking that you could possibly like me too…
I need to stop liking you.
Because you…
you drain life out of me…
you make my heart skip beats…
you make me weak to my knees…
you make my head spin in circles…
you make me do what I don’t usually do…
you are bad for me…
you are a happy pill that drains me after you’re gone…

You need to stop…
Stop looking at me like I am the only person around you…
Stop talking to me like the whole world does not matter…
Stop smiling at me like I am telling you a funny story with my eyes…
Stop touching me as though you wanted to hold me…
Stop calling my name… it makes my heart palpitate…
Stop being the nicest guy in the world…
Stop being the person I talk to…
Stop being the person I depend on…
Stop caring…
Stop worrying about me…
Stop being super gentleman…
Stop…
Don’t pick me up when I’m down on the floor…
Don’t help me in any way…
Don’t save me from sadness…
Don’t… Stop…
Stop being my knight in shining whatever…

I wish I am that girl that you like…
that girl that you will probably ask out…
that girl that you wanted to know more…

I wish…
I wish…

No one is ever going to hurt me anymore. Not them, and especially not you. I won’t let you make me a love sick puppy again. You will not hurt me. I will not let you. I knew, that day when I gave you that second look, that moment when I froze in your eyes, I knew it was a big mistake. It was going to be trouble. It was going to be another headache, another heartbreak. I won’t give you that satisfaction, of ruining my almost happy life. You don’t have to have pity and like me only because you know I like you. I don’t need you to give me all that attention. I don’t need you to make me feel good. You were bad news from the very beginning. You… You hurt me and you don’t even know it. You made me cry and you have no idea. It’s because you’re dense. You never cared for me… nor my feelings. You are a selfish little brat. I hate you so much because I can’t hate you enough…

Dear Mr. A,

Hi… How are you? You must think this is weird - me writing you… yeah, it’s weird. Well, I’m writing because my horoscope says that today I need to put my feelings to writing and that if I have feelings for someone right now, I need to find out if it’s mutual. I don’t want to go up to you and ask if you like me too. That’s gonna be too random… yup, too weird. So let me put it in writing. I have been thinking of you the whole weekend. It sucks because I have a sad feeling that you were not thinking of me. But you know what? I hope against all hopelessness that you really were thinking of me… even a little. So, here goes. I like you. Not just like as infatuation or childish crush. I like you. The you-can-have-this-last-bite like you. It’s I’m-going-to-watch-all-the-morbid-action-films-you-love-watching-and-listen-to-all-rap-albums-of-your-favorite-rapper like you. It’s I-cannot-sleep-without-a-goodnight-from-you like you. It’s stupid. It’s childish. It’s too much drama. But it’s been too long since I last felt this way and I could not remember what I did before. I’ve had too many crushes before but not like this, not the same liking as my liking for you now. You disturb my thoughts. You make me doubt myself. You always make me feel pretty. You make me smile and a smile from you just takes a whole day’s stress away. You make my heart skip a beat. You make me want to believe in magic again. You look at me like there’s only you and me in the world. You talk to me like I am your bff. Yeah, you read right, bff. I like you. I don’t know why. I am ignoring the fact that my friends always remind me – you are just a boy. Literally, just a boy. I don’t care anymore. Age doesn’t matter, right? Unless it matters to you? Even facial hair usually grosses me out, but you, you are so freakin’ cute you look way older for your age. Oh gosh, you’re too short, but hey, you’re still taller than me, so no problem, right?

So what’s it gonna be? If you answer yes, then please know that I am the happiest girl on earth right now. If you say no, of course it will sadden me, I will probably cry. But I would want to know why. Is it because you have someone else? Is it because I am ugly? Or it’s just every guy’s cliché, I’m just not your type? I hope to hear an answer…

Too bad you’ll never get to read this… I hope all is well with you.

Love,

Me