Ruins of False Hopes

I was trying to overhaul my profile and was going to write something on th "About Me" part. Problem is, for some reason, I didn’t know what to write.

Ok, so what do I know about me? To be honest with you, after 24 years of existing in a world as complicated as the question of how it all started, I still don’t know exactly who I am. Friends might say all the good things about me - kind, generous, understanding, patient, always there, the friend who can just be there and listen, that who sticks around when everyone else has left, that one who just can never say no, dependable, the strongest person to lean on, the friend who tries to analyze things and still simply answers your question with "it depends." My parents will probably say something like independent, loves isolation and silence, clean, organized, neat freak, loner, obedient, respectful, God-fearing, family loving, adventurous, never stays put in one place, and lazy at times. The rest of my family (i.e. my brothers and sister) will just simply say masungit, madamot, and maarte. My employees will surely say "nice to nice people, mean to mean people, and irritated to people who play dumb and deliberately ignore instructions and people who doesn’t listen nor pay attention to details of everything she says." Are these things really me? Sometimes I feel like I transform to a different person depending on who’s in front of me. I always depend on the things outside of me. Ask me a question and my answer will depend on how you asked the question, or I will simply answer "it depends on this… or that…" I think I’ve got too many ifs in my life. I’ve got too many things I can think of happening and every instance, I attach meaning to it. Is it wrong to always think of consequences? Is it wrong to be obsessed with meaning? Is it wrong to be all concluding?

Every morning I ask myself this question: "So, what’s it gonna be this time?" Every morning I think of something bazaar to do, something I’ve never done… or something I’ve always wanted to do. But I end up all too disappointed every night before going to sleep, or just as soon as I step out of the house, I’ve already forgotten what I was thinking of doing that day. It sucks to be in a world that I just could not understand sometimes. Why can’t life just be predictable? Why can’t we just have a schedule and stick to it? Why do we have to be scared everyday thinking that we might die or something? Wouldn’t it be fair if we all just have a schedule, or a calendar, a list of things to do before we die on this day at this time? Why do we have to suffer the pain of discovering who we are little by little every day? Try to think about it, we probably still won’t know who we really are even in our death bed.

So what do you want me to say about me? Something like I’m fat, 5′2, long hair, brown eyes, siopao face, huge feet, fair complexioned Filipina girl from a small barrio in Bulacan. Or, I’m 24, graduated in Ateneo with a Bachelor’s Degree in Political Science, got really frustrated after not being able to enroll to Law School, didn’t like the insurance sales job offers in the Philippines, so she flew off to sunny California to mop restaurant lobby, slice tomatoes, and eventually became the next Manager of one of the highest-volume, highest-sales Subway franchise in L.A. County, and is currently getting burned by crazy employees. How about funny but the joke always end up on me, witty but ends up hurting others’ feelings, loves to sing but too shy to even hold a mic, loves to dance but too intimidated and insecure to bust a move, likes to write stories about all the mundane things but too scared to be criticized by real writers, loves to shop and dress up but doesn’t have the luxury of having a fat wallet and slim body. Or simply, a bitter young girl whose heart was broken by idiots and is now too fallen apart and too insecure to give anyone else a chance of sewing it up thinking that in the end, it will still end up fallen apart.

So, what do you want me to say about me?

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 30th, 2007 at 8:42 pm and is filed under Weblogs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.