Love Letter

April 16th, 2007 by purple-ink

Dear Mr. A,

Hi… How are you? You must think this is weird - me writing you… yeah, it’s weird. Well, I’m writing because my horoscope says that today I need to put my feelings to writing and that if I have feelings for someone right now, I need to find out if it’s mutual. I don’t want to go up to you and ask if you like me too. That’s gonna be too random… yup, too weird. So let me put it in writing. I have been thinking of you the whole weekend. It sucks because I have a sad feeling that you were not thinking of me. But you know what? I hope against all hopelessness that you really were thinking of me… even a little. So, here goes. I like you. Not just like as infatuation or childish crush. I like you. The you-can-have-this-last-bite like you. It’s I’m-going-to-watch-all-the-morbid-action-films-you-love-watching-and-listen-to-all-rap-albums-of-your-favorite-rapper like you. It’s I-cannot-sleep-without-a-goodnight-from-you like you. It’s stupid. It’s childish. It’s too much drama. But it’s been too long since I last felt this way and I could not remember what I did before. I’ve had too many crushes before but not like this, not the same liking as my liking for you now. You disturb my thoughts. You make me doubt myself. You always make me feel pretty. You make me smile and a smile from you just takes a whole day’s stress away. You make my heart skip a beat. You make me want to believe in magic again. You look at me like there’s only you and me in the world. You talk to me like I am your bff. Yeah, you read right, bff. I like you. I don’t know why. I am ignoring the fact that my friends always remind me – you are just a boy. Literally, just a boy. I don’t care anymore. Age doesn’t matter, right? Unless it matters to you? Even facial hair usually grosses me out, but you, you are so freakin’ cute you look way older for your age. Oh gosh, you’re too short, but hey, you’re still taller than me, so no problem, right?

So what’s it gonna be? If you answer yes, then please know that I am the happiest girl on earth right now. If you say no, of course it will sadden me, I will probably cry. But I would want to know why. Is it because you have someone else? Is it because I am ugly? Or it’s just every guy’s cliché, I’m just not your type? I hope to hear an answer…

Too bad you’ll never get to read this… I hope all is well with you.

Love,

Me

I Admit

March 28th, 2007 by purple-ink

It’s been how many years since I last saw you… then makikita ko na lang na meron ka nang kasama sa pic… leche. nagseselos nga siguro ako. bitter even. i know, wala akong K, pero pare, obvious naman sigurong noon pa lang gusto na kita diba?

nakakainis ka. bakit ba hindi tayo? bakit ba hindi mo ko ginusto? ah leche, I know. kase, alam mo na, hindi ako sexy. bwiset. bitter ako talaga. maganda naman ako diba? [Nina, panget ba ako? ](nyahahahahahhaha)

Pwede bang maging high school tayo ulet? Pero this time, I’ll be better. Wala na bang chance? Shit. Mukang wala na nga. Okay. Blabbering over. Hindi ko na lang titingnan ulet ang mga pics nyo. Good luck. You know you can still make kwento, you can still talk to me? It’s not like I’ll snatch you away from her, haller? may buhay na rin naman ako. Ako ang joe d’ whatever mo diba? diba? diba? sinabi mo yan sakin non? So anung nagbago? Why did you stop talking to me? Why? Why? Why? Nanghihinayang lang ako sa friendship natin… bagay tayong magkaibigan eh… kase pareho tayong weird at kakaiba… pareho tayong hibang sa idea of love… pareho tayo eh.. kaya nga we repel… diba? pero kelangan bang pati friendship mag-end? kumustahin mo naman ako… andito lang ako. buhay pa ko.

Take Me Back to That Old Fork Road

March 28th, 2007 by purple-ink

Today I found myself wondering why I feel sad… why all of a sudden nothing feels right… I feel inspired at work and I see a lot of people… but nothing seems to be making a lot of sense… I was not in my world.

I feel like my trial period is over and that I have to face the truth that this is not where I belong… that I should go back… that I should give up pride and stop trying something I will never succeed on doing… because I can do something I’ve proven to have done perfectly before… yup.. I admit it was probably a wrong wish to leave it for a while.

At some point, I regret that I let them get to me… that I let them think that I’m not committed or taht I wanted to do something else… when in fact all I wanted to do was something MORE.

I hope I get a second chance. I hope I get to reverse a wish. I hope I can go back to that fork road again and choose the other way… I hope I don’t get burned anymore… I hope I don’t feel discriminated anymore… I hope I finally get what I deserve…

Mainam Nang Wala Ka

February 5th, 2007 by purple-ink

mainam na ngang hindi na tayo nagkita…
o nagkausap… o nagkabatian…

mainam na ang ganito na walang pansinan…
walang ha ni ho…
walang hello… walang babay…

mainam nang nagkaintindihan na lang na ganun…
walang away… walang sikmatan…
walang hindi pagkakaintindihan…

mainam nang wala na lang contact…
yun naman ang nararapat…
datapwat nakaririmarim isipin…

mainam nang wala na lang tayong magawa…
ganun siguro talaga ang buhay…
kung hindi ukol… hindi mabubukol…

kaya mainan na ngang hindi na tayo nagkita…
o nagkausap… o nagkabatian…
dahil kung hindi, baka hindi ko naiwasang mawindang na naman.

February 3rd, 2007 by purple-ink

are you happy now?

I Hope You’re Happy Now

January 10th, 2007 by purple-ink

i wasted all those years trying to figure out if you were the one meant for me.
i am the stupidest girl on this planet.
i waited for nothing.
i wasted all my time.
you were a waste of time
of energy, of effort, of pain,
of love.

you are a waste.
i hope you’re happy now.

3 years, 2 months, and 7 days

November 20th, 2006 by purple-ink

Last time I saw you, I thought I was never going to be over you and everything I’ve been through with you…

O well, I have already accepted that you were really meant to be just a dream… a goal… a far away star I can only stare at at night… a reason to look forward to darkness… a reason to close my eyes and wish for a good dream… a reason to pray to God everyday… a reason to work hard, pray everyday… and survive life.

Thank you… for making me stronger… for forcing me to learn to let go and move on… for being my inspiration to live the past 6 years… that’s long enough for me… I can’t dream about you anymore… I can’t wish for you anymore… I can’t wait for you anymore… goodbye stranger… thank you for coming into my life and making me feel real happiness even for a while…

A Painful Crash Into a Sign

October 12th, 2006 by purple-ink

Last weekend, I had a brief talk with my cousin about my past that I just could not let go of… her suggestion was to talk to him and tell him how I feel… I hesitated… and told her that I need something… I need to see for myself that it’s the right way to go… I was wishing for a sign…

Last night, I saw the huge sign and I crashed right into it… You might think this is crazy (or cheesy perhaps)… but I found out last night that my cat died already and they waited for the right time to tell me… up until now I don’t know when she died… my sister told my mom about it and I overheard… I choked… sobbed… and the m&m peanuts that I was munching on suddenly tasted awful…

You might think, why the heck was it such a big deal? it’s just a cat… it has nothing to do with my past…

Well, sad to say… first of all Nala, (her name) was a really pretty Persian Cat. Second, she was given to me just a couple days (if I remember right) before I left the Philippines…

So I think my sister is right. She didn’t tell it to my face… she was talking to my mom (I suddenly hated the YM Caller… it brings me sad memories now…) and I just overheard them… My sister said something like this is probably telling her to forget and let go of the past and move on with her life… Well… what can I do but agree?

Last Sunday I prayed hard to God to show me something to tell me which road I should take… and I guess this was the only way He could show me that it was loong over… that I was holding on to nothing… that I ought to walk forward and not backward…

But how does one do that? I mean, how does one shift from being hopelessly in love to moving on and finding someone else? How does one let go of a past that is surely going to haunt her life forever? How does one forget? How does one let go?

I used to have all the analysis that leads to answers… I used to be the person who tells everyone how letting go should start… I used to be the stronger person… I used to be loved… I used to have someone… I used to juts shrug it all off and wait for the day to come…

Now… I don’t even feel like waking up anymore… it’s like I don’t have anything else to look forward to… I thought I had it all planned out… still my life turns out to be a huge mess… confused… hopeless… depressed…

So what am I going to do?

I don’t want any more signs to follow… so that I could just crash into someone or something… to bleed and actually see and feel where it hurts… and realize if I still want to go on… or just give up…

Pink and Purple Butterflies

October 12th, 2006 by purple-ink

Ok… so after 2 years, I saw Mariah Carey again… and this time with a heart-stopping surprise: a tearful performance of "One Sweet Day" with BoyzIIMen in the flesh! My cousin and I were just really fortunate enough to have chosen the Anaheim concert instead of the LA one.

I’ve only been to 4 major concerts my whole life, and two of them were of Mariah Carey (one was in Manila with my sister, and my friend Cam) and the other one last Sunday, at the Honda Center in Anaheim with my cousin Rochelle. Just to say the least, it was the best yet.

The other two concerts I went to, both have Freestyle in them. The very first was Freestyle live in Bustos with the Levites Priest I think… gosh I was in high school then so I can’t really recall… So anyway, they were great but they were not that famous yet that time. The second I went to was I think Valentine’s day of 2003. We went to watch Zsa Zsa Padilla, Lani Misalucha, and of course Freestyle. Lani was the best among them, but we couldn’t really enjoy the show because the people in front of us were standing even if we have seats and besides we were too far from the stage. Then came Mariah’s Charmbracelet tour in 2004 - Manila stop was at The Fort. I was just so overwhelmed at the sight of Mariah that time that for the first three songs I was just crying in between the line sof her songs… hehe… could not help it. But, because of the super high cost of tickets we could only afford the general admission that time… and all I could see was a pink dot that was Mariah. And I think the open space didn’t help much her tired voice… and we were standing the whole time and right towards the middle light showers started so everyone in front of us opened their unbrellas, thus seeing neither Mariah the dot nor the big screen that was there to magnify her for the poor people like us at the general admission section. And I thought that was going to be the end of it until my cousin told me about Mariah’s Anaheim stop of her Emancipation of Mimi Tour - The Adventures of Mimi. We bought the tickets right there and then.

The stage was set like all her stops. Stars background with 3 huge screens floating, a second level on stage, her MC emblem, lights and glitters, and stuff, and of course butterfly confettis at the end. Oh, and let’s not forget the mini stage (B Stage) at the center of the whole arena where she demonstrated the importance of her new lip gloss line - it has a mirror and light! So partygoers and hard core clubbing animals, you better go get one now, it will really benefit all you ladies out there who loves to party in the dark but still wants to make sure they stay pretty all night! hehehe So anyway, she had 5 costume changes:

1. Opening: Black bra, boy shorts (her legs were to kill for!) and cape. Yes, black chiffon cape. She got the crowd roaring when she opened with It’s Like That, then really got the crowd on their feet with Dreamlover. Then she came out again with her choir and sang Fly Like A Bird then went back inside to grab her shades and strut her stuff to Shake It Off.. with all the MIMI light thingy/background in her MTV. Then she went up the second level to do her trademark cutesy dance on Heartbreaker. Then the light came out to put the spotlight on the guest DJ for the next costume change. During the break, a healthy dos eof hardcore partying with Old School disco hits. Damn that was fun!

2. Yellow Dress. This was when she sang some of her slow romantic songs namely: My All, Vision of Love, Hero, and I’ll Be There with Trey Lorenz of course. Then Trey Lorenz took over the stage for her 3rd costume change.

3. Skimpy Capris and some sort of Midriff Top or whatever you call it. On the "B Stage", she sang Fantasy remix dedicated to ODB, then Don’t Forget About Us (including the disco ball lighting the whole arena - really really really awesome!!!!), then she demostrated the use of her lip gloss which she gave to a little girl in the audience, accepted a small lamb from the audience, then sang Always Be My Baby, then went back to the main stage halfway. Back on the main stage she sang Honey and snippet of Thank God I Found You. Then the DJ got the crowd up again with his mixes of current dance hits… was so much better than Club DV8!

4. Blue Green Dress. She came out in this dress halfway to I wish You Knew and sang a snippet. Then went on to thanking everyone and talking to the fans and stuff. Then sang snippet of Can’t Let Go then surprised everyone (apparently she was surprised herself) when BoyIIMen showed up to sing with her One Sweet Day. According to the boys, they were in the area and performed at the Angels Stadium and heard that Mariah was having a concert at it’s neighbor Honda Center and decided to surprise her and perform their song. That was really tearful, that was when I just cried and my heart was just beating with the song… damn that was really good. After the surprise was a mellow performace of Hero (I think the only time I actually sat down during the whole concert) and a jumpy rendition of Make It Happen (when I could not help but stand up again and sway with everyone). Then she said goodnight to everyone and was gone…. Some thought it was over… at least those who didn’t notice that she hadn’t sang We Belong Together yet. hehehe

5. Bronze/Brown See-Thru Dress. Encore. We Belong Together, Butterfly Reprise and tons of pink and purple butterfly confettis!!! The end of the magical night. We were in heaven.

So there. I’m dying to see her next concert. My cousin and I promised each other that we’ll buy front row tickets on her next tour. We’ll see about that… hehehe

On November 4th, we’re watching Gary Valenciano at the Pechanga Resort and Casino. I’m pretty sure it won’t beat Mariah’s spectacular, almost album version singing voice but better Concert, so we’ll see and I’ll probably share my piece about it 4 weeks from now. hehe… yun lang!

Untitled

(pictures from www.mariahdaily.com … would’ve loved to take pictures but didn’t want to be evicted from the building! hehehe super bawal!)

March Baby

June 13th, 2006 by purple-ink

—————–MARCH BABY ——————–
Attractive personality. sexy. Affectionate
Shy and
reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest,
generous
and sympathetic. Loves peace and
serenity.
Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily
angered.
Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns
kindness.
Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up
feelings. Observant and assesses others.

true. tsk.